Samuel Pepys was a total perv.
Have you ever read this guy’s diary?
Holy crap, dude. Keep it in your pants, please.
His diary basically reads as follows:
"September 2, 1666 - London’s on fire. Ogled at Mistress #1 while packing up my things so they wouldn’t burn to a crisp. Ogled at Mistress #2 when the wifey wasn’t looking. Ate at the neighbor’s house. Ogled at his wife—Mistress #3—while eating bacon. Crap, everything’s still on fire. Told my neighbor to watch my wife so she wouldn’t catch fire. Ogled at my maid. Ogled at the neighbor’s maid. Ate more bacon. Is it hot in here, or is it just me? Heh, you know what it is? It’s probably that hot little wench running in fear for her life down the street. Nice ye olde rack, hot little wench.”
”October 25, 1668 -Went to church. Pretty boring. Ogled at Jack Fen’s new wife the whole time. She’s pretty hot. I never noticed her before because I was too busy sticking my hand up the wife’s maid’s skirt….CRAP. Wifey saw the whole thing. Oh, she is pissed. She is ye olde pissed now. She’s threatening to convert to Catholicism again. She always does that—never actually goes through with it, though. I told her I was sorry and all that s*** and that I’d never play swish the petticoats with Deb the maid again. Heh. Stupid wifey totally bought it.”
"Oct. 27 - You know, in hindsight, I do feel kind of bad about the whole thing. Mostly because the wife keeps waking me up in the middle of the night to beat the crap out of me with her pillow and tell me what useless tool I am. Says she’s going to tell everybody that I played private parts peek-a-boo with good old Deb. I told her I’d never do it again. Heh. Stupid wifey totally bought it.”
"November 14 -Tried to slip Deb some money this morning as a nice little “thanks for letting me violate you in the worst possible way” present, but wifey wouldn’t let me out of her sight the entire frickin’ time. She blew a gasket; called me a dog and a rogue — you know, the usual. Poor thing is pretty upset. I rattled off some nonsense about how I was a slave to her and blah, blah blah. Made the mistake of saying it would probably be kind of hard to stop thinking about Deb, though, because face it, she is a hot little English tamale tart. Wifey wasn’t terribly happy with that little announcement, so I banged her and she managed to shut up for the next few hours. Make up/revenge/angry sex is ye olde best, man.”
"November 18 - The wife’s freaking out about my having to go abroad because she says I’ll just go around doin’ stuff with Deb all day. I told her, ‘No, babe, I’m done with all that, remember?’ Then I snuck out to try to find Deb’s house. Dude she was staying with said she wasn’t there. Spent all afternoon wandering around trying to find her seductively lurking behind some pillar so I could nail her in public like one of those guys from 300. No luck until night rolled around. Riding around in my pimped out carriage and who should I see but Do-It-All-Day Deb? So yo did make her tener mi cosa in her mano, while mi mano was sobra her pectus, and so did hazer with grand delight, which is the douchey, fake Spanish way of saying, ‘We did really dirty, nasty things in the carriage and I feel super bad for the dude that has to clean up in there.’ Came home after that, made up some crock tale about how I spent all day, I don’t know, at the farmer’s market buying kumquats. Stupid wifey totally bought it.”
"November 19 - Stupid wifey totally did not buy it. CRAP. She knows about the carriage thing, and man, she is suuuuper p-o’d this time. I tried lying, but she wouldn’t stop with the ‘you’re a rotten-hearted rogue’ tirade, so I had to own up to everything. Bad idea. Wifey says she’s going to slit Deb’s nose off and leave me after getting a huge alimony settlement. I pulled the old ‘woe and sorrow and shame upon me’ act and promised never to see Deb again. Then I went and saw Deb and there you did hazer con ella to her content, which is the douchey fake Spanish way of saying, ‘I did more anatomically-impossible things to her in her bed and now I feel really bad for whoever has to wash the sheets tomorrow.’ I hope God will give me the grace more and more eery day to fear Him, and to be true to my poor wife. …Ha, you totally thought I was serious for a minute there, didn’t you?”
I KID YOU NOT WITH THE FAKE SPANISH STUFF. THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT HE SAYS.
Obviously, the rest of it is paraphrased, but oh. My. WORD.
This is simultaneously the most disgusting and most hilarious thing I have ever read in my life. Because I am now dying to see someone try that awful Spanglish stuff as a pick-up line in a bar somewhere.
"Heyyy, baby. Wanna go back to my place so I can make you tener mi cosa in your mano, while mi mano is sobra your pectus, and so will hazer with grand delight?"